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A Sitter’s Creed for the beginning of football season

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A Sitters Creed for the beginning of football season

My fellow Americans, I have uncovered a grave injustice in our society. Grave! While you were busy indulging in the spoils of your cushy life of privilege – new cars, shiny phones, free bagels in the break room – Oppression of the worst kind has been occurring. And I, Dan Alexander, have made it my mission, my life’s new purpose, to raise awareness of this persecution. I must warn you, opening this box will forever change the way you view the world around you. You simply cannot unlearn this truth.

It has come to my attention that there is a gender problem in America, and once again it involves the police. I have uncovered a most oppressive NEW scandal that will surely prove once and for all that those bullies in blue are indeed the bigots we suspected. While you were savoring an extra slice of pizza at your kid’s birthday party, cops were out popping off their guns in a crazed frenzy over one specific group of people: men. That’s right! 95% of all humans shot by police are male. Yet, men only make up 49% of the American population. Do the math. This can only mean one thing: Cops. Are. Sexist. And guess what – it doesn’t even matter that some of the cops doing the shooting are male – it’s still… SEXIST. Men – let us all band together and refuse to stand during the national anthem until this oppression has stopped.

But wait! It doesn’t end there. I also learned from a Thomas Sowell column of another scandal. If we are going to end oppression, we must end ALL kinds of oppression. And I, for one, will not be content to let another minute of this bigotry continue. Brace yourselves, this one is hard to swallow. As Sowell pointed out, blacks make up only 13% of the American population, yet blacks in the NBA are called for fouls waaay more than 13% of the time! It’s outrageous! While you were sitting there in your not-quite-club-section-but-still-better-than-nosebleed seats munching on nachos, racism was occurring right in front of your eyes. Yet you did NOTHING. You even cheered! Feel bad now? You should. Let us all take a knee in solidarity until this systemic oppression by those racist referees has been put behind us.

You thought I was done? Not even close. I was just working my way up to the worst offenders. Those first two were microaggressions compared to this, the most egregious of them all. Thanks to Sebastian Maniscalco for bringing this to my attention.  There’s no way to sugar coat this, so I’ll just come out with it… 51% of Americans are women. Yet, women are TARGETED disproportionately more than men by aggressive mall kiosks selling anti-aging cream! While you were staring at the giant chocolate chip cookie store, the woman on your arm was being accosted by salesmen in white gowns with gobs of facial cream on their fingers! Did they come at YOU with that cream? No, they only single out women! Chauvinistic pigs. This will not stand. This aggression against women will not stand! And I will not stand until it is made right.

You read that right…. I am vowing to sit, not just during the national anthem, but during all anthems, hymns, and songs that refer to men, basketball, or women. What say you, Colin? You seem to be sitting a lot these days… Why not take a seat for all injustice! Let us unite, and together we can squash this oppression with the power of our buns!

A full time engineer by trade, Dan is a conservative, Christian, father, and veteran. He considers himself a rebel against the dominant liberal culture.

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