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Newsweek’s Alexander Nazaryan – Thanks for teaching me the Bible was wrong.

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Today, I find myself not knowing what to believe. As a white Christian conservative gun-owning male, I have had my whole world turned upside down thanks to Alexander Nazaryan, senior writer for Newsweek. Apparently, according to his latest article, my years of studying the Bible in church and seminary were a complete a waste of time. Apparently, Stephen Paddock the suspected Las Vegas shooter according to Nazaryan :

“The killer was a white guy, a Christian by birth if not belief. He was not radical, just a crazed man given the means by the gun lobby to terrorize innocent concertgoers in Las Vegas on Sunday night, shooting to death 59 of them. Stephen C. Paddock was, by all accounts so far, an ordinary American. That is what most terrifies the right.”

I’m shocked to find out that Jesus lied to me. I can’t believe Jesus’ teaching to Nicodemus in John 3 is bogus. Who knew you didn’t have to be “Born Again.” You are Christian by birth; this is news to me. I mean we just can’t stop in John 3. How about Ephesians 2:8-9, that one becomes a Christian by grace through faith alone? Throw that out as well.

Matthew 22:14, “For many are called, but few are chosen.” Forget about being called and chosen. I was a Christian on the day of my birth. How about Christians being recognized by their fruits and that most people, even those that claim to be Christians, are not Christians and destined for Hell if they don’t genuinely repent (Matthew 7:16-23). Thanks so much Alexander for clearing it up for me. I can’t believe my years of studying the Bible was a complete waste of time.

I also didn’t know that being a white guy made such a difference. I thought the theological concept of “Total Depravity” only applied to non-white people. You mean to tell me that white people can do evil things as well. Utterly mindblowing! Nazaryan also knows the psychological condition of Paddock. The man was crazed but not radical. I thought someone that prepared his attack in advance, at least four days in the hotel, was a rational person and thus not crazy, just evil; which would be entirely explained by total depravity but apparently I was wrong on that as well.

I also didn’t know that the gun lobby promoted terrorizing innocent victims through gun violence. I must have missed that when I did my advance personal protection outside the home training with the NRA. I can’t believe my uber-progressive California government would subject me to this type of organization in order to obtain my concealed carry weapons license. Governor Jerry Brown, please come out immediately and declare the NRA and the gun lobby a terrorist organization.

Finally, I can’t believe Nazaryan knows what terrifies me and others on the right. As a white Christian conservative gun-owning male, I find it terrifying to find out that white people can do evil things and that all white males must be conservative and true Christian from birth. I know there is no such thing as a white male progressive. I know Senator Bernie Sanders looks like a white male, but seriously, he must have some Native American in him like Senator Elizabeth Warren. It honestly terrifies me and those on the right knowing that people like Paddock exist. We merely thought mass murders like Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kaczynski, Ted Bundy, and even John Wayne Gacy were just outliers to our white male Christian privilege.

Because of Alexander Nazaryan, I now see the light. Thank you for telling me about my faith, what I believe, and what terrifies me and those on the right. Without you and Newsweek, I just don’t know what we do. You are indeed a beacon of light in a dark world.

 


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