After last week’s marathon law-signing efforts by California Governor Gavin Newsom, legal analysts noted the size of the state’s legal code was becoming too cumbersome. To make things easier for the people as well as lawyers, the state has decided to rewrite the code in a way that tells residence the handful of things that are still considered legal in the state. For now.
“Since most things are illegal now in California, we’re going to reverse our code and the state’s constitution,” a representative for the Governor said during a press conference Sunday. “Some estimates show doing this will reduce the size of California law books by 98%.”
Illegal immigrants will be dramatically affected by this change as their status will officially be elevated above American citizens. The new constitution will also reflect a socialist perspective with special sections for social justice warriors and the new elite class in the state, the LGBTQ community.
“To our undocumented immigrant friends, I will quote our favorite occultist, Aleister Crowley, ‘Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.'” the Governor’s spokesperson said before repeating it in Spanish. “But to taxpaying California residents I say this, ‘watch yourself.’ We certainly are.”
On top of the standard reduction of plastic straws and firearms of any kind, the state implemented additional laws that nobody had ever dreamed of before Friday. Democrats were ecstatic by all the new laws, but warned their job isn’t done yet. “As we find more things that are not prohibited, we will write new legislation to correct the issue.”
Questions have been raised about the enforcement of new laws as police in the state have been stripped of their power to arrest people. This bold new solution to the broken criminal justice system is the fastest way to address the problem, a senior aide to a state representative told us. “We have to focus on the root cause of the issue, which is arrests. If we can keep people from being arrested, our prisons will soon no longer be overcrowded.”
Reversing the language of all of the laws has proven to be easier than expected, the Governor’s representative reported. Since there aren’t many things California citizens will be allowed to do, the new legal code fits on a postcard.
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