As always, we will be referring to the exclusive Democrat Presidential Primary Bracket.
1) Elizabeth Warren (-)
Everyone is beginning to believe that she is the frontrunner, and if that’s the media narrative, she is in an excellent position. It will be nearly impossible for Democrats to attack her from the left. Her détente with Bernie Sanders has positioned her to capitalize off of Bernie Sanders pausing his campaign more than any other.
2) Joe Biden (-)
Make no mistake, Joe Biden is toast. Finally Jeb! Bush 2020 is over. But no one has really capitalized off of this fait accompli, at least among Democrats in the Confused White Man Region. Speaking of white men, Donald Trump is campaigning on Joe and Hunter Biden’s Ukrainian adventures and has recently brought Biden’s Chinese exploits into the public fold. There is no way Biden beats Trump in a general if Trump is going to make the grotesque profiteering of the Bidens a campaign focus. But in the past I’ve used unicorn blood to describe short run gains and long term losses. The Democrats are uniting to protect Biden. That’s the best thing going on for Biden even if it means his eventual demise. He drank the unicorn’s blood.
3) Bernie Sanders (+1)
We wish Bernie Sanders a swift recovery. In every other area, the campaign of Bernie Sanders is running out of gas. A high floor low ceiling has taken Sanders this far. The end is nigh.
4) Hillary Clinton (∞)
You know this race is stagnant when Hillary Clinton is back in the news cycle making headlines for her various comments. At one point in time she sat in a replica of the Resolute Desk. With that said, she felt entitled to win the Presidency in 2016. She also feels entitled to helm the Democrat Party. It’s sad to watch but with total depravity, it would come as no surprise if she were to jump once Biden is toast, a reverse of what many Democrats wanted in 2016.
5) Pete Buttigieg (+1)
He seems as though he is the winner of the Intersectionality Region, an upset over the favorite, Kamala Harris. His poll numbers also aren’t terrible in Iowa. He is most posited to win over the Confused White Man base of the party.
6) Beto O’Rourke (-1)
His campaign is a joke. But he is the next in line in the Confused White Man Region under Joe Biden. The question remains whether Elizabeth Warren is the winner of the Base Championship, making this region of the Democrat Party irrelevant dinosaurs.
7) Kamala Harris (-3)
Every video of Harris making the rounds shows just how unserious of a candidate she is. We initially thought Kamala Harris had the political calculation to allegedly sleep with Willie Brown to advance her career prospects. But her “leave Biden alone” message indicates a political amateurism. She is not ready yet. She may not even be as calculating as we thought, politically. So we are left wondering what to conclude about Willie Brown, but rest assured, she is no Hillary Clinton.
8) Julian Castro (unranked)
He’s stuck around. And perhaps his movement is coming. He’s a socialist, so he could benefit from Sander’s eventual exit or Elizabeth Warren’s demise. For now, he needs to secure the nonexistent Harris base or to refer to people who do exist: the people that don’t want a squish like Biden or a complete socialist like Warren.
9) Marianne Williamson (-2)
Her time has passed. But undoubtedly, she will retain favor with socialists. She has done well, except when she swallowed the red pill that time she said the right was more open to her. Nevertheless, she revived her career and influence.
10) Tom Steyer (-)
All the money in the world cannot lift his campaign. Nor is he in position to capitalize off of someone’s demise. He is the poster child affirming the Citizens United ruling right now.
We are currently forming the American Conservative Movement. If you are interested in learning more, we will be sending out information in a few weeks.
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