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Exclusive: Fill out your Democrat Presidential Primary Bracket



Exclusive Fill out your Democrat Presidential Primary Bracket

There are 24 candidates running for nomination. But in order for them to win, they first have to establish a base of support. Now, the Democrats can be broken down into three primary bases, with other secondary divisions. The largest, most competitive base is the Confused White Men Region featuring half of the field within the Democrat Primary. The other half of the field is divided between the Socialist Region and the Intersectional Region. The Confused White Men Region is so stacked it’s the only region with an extra play-in round. The other bases begin in the Divisional Round. Download and fill out your bracket here:

Next we have the Socialist Region. Competition is fierce here and there will be no distribution of the delegates to those whose campaigns do not get off the ground. (1) Bernie Sanders and (2) Elizabeth Warren get a bye to the Big Kid Table Round, signifying their likelihood in reaching the more scrutinized debate stages. Facing off in the Hipster Divisionals are new age cult leader, (6) Marianne Williamson, and the anti-war gun grabber (5) Tulsi Gabbard. Winner faces off against (1) Bernie Sanders. In the bottom half of these base is the #MeToo Conference, (4) Kirsten Gillibrand and (3) Amy Klobuchar face off in an effort to convince us that they are not the same person. Klobuchar has her comb ready and Gillibrand has whatever vegans eat with. The winner will have to decide whether to force (2) Elizabeth Warren into a reservation.

Last but not least, unless you are running the plantation, is the Intersectional Region. This consists of every candidate who has an intersectionality claim above being a woman. Despite championing diversity, only 6 candidates qualified for this region. Sorry, Bernie, Jews aren’t really victims in the party of Ilhan Omar. In the Black Divisionals, (1) Kamala Harris will  have a conversation with (6) Wayne Messam. Harris is upset that she did not get a bye. In the Still Better Than Whites Division, (5) Julian Castro faces off against dark horse (4) Andrew Yang. Intersectionality indicates that Hispanics are more victimized than Asians, but Castro is a US citizen, not an illegal alien making this anyone’s guess as to how it will go. In continuing with this migrant caravan of candidates the winners of these two divisions will face off against the winner of the Gay Divisionals. (2) Pete Buttigieg looks to claim this division against (3) Cory Booker. And while (3) Cory Booker has not officially come out of the closet, an unmarried fifty year old man with major beta male tendencies and an affinity for Spartacus is sure to set off some gaydars. Nonetheless, if he’s saving this card for a debate stage moment this might be the shrewdest coming out moment of all time. Winner faces off in the Base Championship.

Going back to the Confused White Men Region there are some interesting matchups to be had. A Massachusetts Congressman (8) Seth Moulton faces off against former Alaska Senator from decades ago (9) Mike Gravel for the honor of facing (1) Joe Biden in the Divisionals. Democrats really scraped the bottom of the barrel with Confused White Men in this one. Maryland congressman (5) John Delaney faces off against beloved NYC Mayor (12) Bill de Blasio. All for the honor of facing off (4) John Hickenlooper. In a tough northwest matchup, Montana Governor (11) Steve Bullock will face off against Washington Governor (6) Jay Inslee to see if they can stop the world from ending in twelve years. They get the pleasure of going against California’s (3) Eric Swalwell. I know you might be thinking (3) Eric Swalwell has no chance, why is he ranked so high? But he just has that John Kasich factor, an insufferable lasting power that might just see him to the Base Championship. In our last play-in, Nancy Pelosi’s challenger from the right (7) Tim Ryan faces off against the (10) Michael Bennet who is not a football player. The winner faces the Kennedy-esque (2) Beto O’Rourke. O’Rourke looks to run over the competition and make them eat dirt.

Serious Note

Scoring is entirely subjective, since the object of this bracket is to visually present and satirize the Democrat Candidates in a way that best demonstrates their likelihood of building a base. Obviously many of these candidates won’t make it to Iowa, so many judgment calls will be made about matchup winners. Another important note is not every matchup will happen concurrently. Meaning, (1) Kamala Harris could win her base championship while (1) Bernie Sanders is embattled with hipsters. Thus, the challenge for a candidate is not simply defeating the candidate most closely aligned, but doing so more quickly than the competition. In theory, the Candidate who can win their Base Championship first has the strongest chance of winning the nomination.

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